The Price of Privilege – Part 1 of 4

This summer our faculty and staff read The Price of Privilege by Madeline Levine with the hopes of extending our understanding of diversity—socioeconomic diversity—and how it affects our students, their families, us, and our surrounding communities.

I would like to share what I gleaned from my reading with you in several posts. There are four parts to the book, so this and the next three posts will encapsulate my thoughts and impressions.

PART ONE – AMERICA’S NEW “AT-RISK” CHILD

Levine takes the reader into her therapy sessions with young people. One statistic after another give insight into this world of children and families of privilege. Some disturbing and others interesting, here are a few from part one:

• Adolescent suicide today has quadrupled since 1950.
• In addition to income, factors such as literacy, political freedom, and civil rights all influence a person’s happiness, what researchers often call “well-being.”
• Studies show that approximately 50% of happiness is inherited, leaving 50% to be determined by parenting, life experiences, and luck.
• Affluent parents hesitate to seek professional help more than other groups of parents.
• Materialism is a value system that emphasizes wealth, status, image, and material consumption and is found among people in all socioeconomic groups. Liking stuff isn’t the problem; liking stuff more than people is. We want to avoid training our children to believe that it is external rewards that are responsible for personal happiness.
• Two factors repeatedly emerge as contributing to high levels of emotional problems. The first is achievement pressure and the second is isolation from parents.
• Study after study shows that teens want more, not less, time with their parents.
• There is an inverse relationship between income and closeness to parents. Lower-socioeconomic kids are far more likely to report feeling close to their parents than kids from high socioeconomic homes.

Always looking at the student’s construction of “sense of self” as a measuring stick, Levine describes the privileged student as indulged, coddled, pressured, and micromanaged, and paints the at-risk child environment as empty refrigerator, unforgiving circumstances, metal detectors in their schools, killings in their neighborhoods. If you want a closer look into the world of at-risk children, read "In Prisoners' Wake, A Tide of Troubled Kids" from the July 5, Sunday Times.

Levine points out that increases in material wealth do not translate into advantages in emotional health. And, “Anxiety, depression, somatic complaints, thought problems, attention problems, and rule breaking can be 2 to 5 times more prevalent among private high school juniors and seniors than among the general population of high school juniors and seniors.”

Probably the two most salient points/suggestions I take away from this section of the book is 1) “Perhaps the single most important ritual a family can observe is having dinner together.” And 2) [Children] need to see that their parents value effort, curiosity, and intellectual courage.” On the latter point, read Carol Dweck’s work in my July 10, 2008 post.

Please feel free to comment on what you read, especially if you have read the book.

The green highlights throughout the four posts represent comments made in the book that are akin to the Montessori philosophy and the red highlights are not akin to the Montessori philosophy.

Records Exist to be Broken

While reading the August 10, 2009 “Sports Illustrated” magazine’s “Faces in the Crowd” section I noted

Leland McPhie of San Diego Track and Field broke the American men's shot put record at the USA Masters outdoor championships. His throw of 22' 6½" beat the previous mark by nearly a foot. I scratched my head as I know that the men’s shot put record is around 75’. When I read the piece again, I noticed that McPhie is 95-years old and was competing in the 95- to 99-year old division!

McPhie, who competes for the So Cal Track Club, also holds Masters 95 world records in the high jump at 3' 1¼" (the Men’s high jump is around 8’) and triple jump at 13' 0" (the Men’s Triple Jump record is around 59’).

Congratulations to Leland McPhie! What an inspiration to our younger aspirants.

Job or Responsibility?

I have followed Jim Collins' books over the past six years and have tried to adopt his leadership principles in my work as head of school. So much of what he talks about makes such good sense. In his recent book How the Mighty Fall, I point you in the direction of reading his Appendix 5: WHAT MAKES FOR THE "RIGHT PEOPLE" IN KEY SEATS.

Having spent the first 11 years of my career in boarding school doing the triple threat—teaching, coaching, and dormitory duty, I quickly decided the way for me to survive was to "live the life" rather than treat my work as a job.  It has proven to be the way to approach any job that I have had.  In Collins' Appendix 5 he cites six generic characteristics, one of them being "THE RIGHT PEOPLE UNDERSTAND THAT THEY DO NOT HAVE 'JOBS'; THEY HAVE RESPONSIBILITIES.  They grasp the difference between their task list and their true responsibilities.  The right people can complete the statement, 'I am the one person ultimately responsible for . . .'"

As an aside, when I asked a long-time, successful business owner if he read Collins' latest book, he responded to my email by saying, "I am reading it, too. One must always keep his/her eye on the ball and remember, the ball is moving!!!"

Kids and TV

Captain Kangaroo, Mickey Mouse, Mr. Rogers, and Big Bird are television characters that exploded on the scene in late 60s and early 70s. They took the place of "Winky Dink" and “Ding Dong School,” which were some of the first attempts of television programming to reach kids.

While on vacation recently, I had the occasion to listen to the radio program “Where We Live” with John Dankosky, a local talk show host. On this particular morning the one hour show was devoted to “The ABCs of Kids TV.” Flanked by Michael Davis, author of Street Gang: The Complete History of Sesame Street, and Dr. Dorothy Singer, Senior Research Scientist at Yale University Department of Psychology and Co-director of the Yale Family Television Research and Consultation Center, the host did an excellent job of analyzing kids TV from the beginning up through the present.

If you have ever watched children’s TV or have children who watch TV, this broadcast is a must-listen-too program.

Emma - The Magazine

I cannot begin to tell you how many independent school magazines and publications I have leafed through over the years. Many school publications tout their athletic teams, alumnae/i accomplishments, school progress, etc. It is particularly impressive to read a school publication that is dedicated to a greater theme—women's issues.

Having watched single-sex education find its way on the excellent writing and work of Carol Gilligan, Mary Pipher, Michael Thompson, and Michael Gurian, I was impressed with the summer 2009 edition of "Emma" from the Emma Willard School, a girls 9-12 boarding school in upstate New York.

As you can see by the cover, this edition steps out front to give its readers a view of what is inside, and that is the best part — the content of the magazine. Here are the titles of some of the pieces highlighted in this award-wining magazine:

"After Beauty"

"My Breasts, Myself"

"Body After Baby"

"Outlook Cloudy with a Chance of Radiation"

"Sharing the Big Secret"

Visit Emma online and see for yourself.

All Kinds of Ears

After a long walk in rural Connecticut, I decided to stop by a local sweet corn stand and pick up a couple ears of corn for dinner. As I walked into the barn stand, I plucked my iPod earbuds from my head, lifted my shades, and sized up the seller. A 16-year old high schooler with requisite summer basketball garb and baseball cap skewed to one side of his head, presented a beautiful smile and asked, "Whatcha listening to?" "John Mayer" was my immediate reply. "Awe, you should be listening to Slipknot." was his response. Instantly, without ever hearing the group, my ears started ringing, knowing that my teenage friend's taste would be appreciably different from mine.

See what you think. Listen to Slipknot's "Psychosocial" (7, 182,000 YouTube views) and John Mayer's "Say" (6,110,000 YouTube views) and see if you notice a slight difference.

Book v. Kindle

The recent NYTimes article "Moving into a Digital Future, Where Textbooks Are History" and the recent advent of the electronic book, Kindle, have caused me to ask, "So, when will the printed word as we know it go totally digital?"

Have YOU thought about converting from books to a Kindle? I have, at least up until our school librarian suggested I view the Green Apple Books' Kindle v. Book series. Try watching “The Book vs. The Kindle, Round 1: The Buy Counter.” I’ll bet you end up clicking on all 5 rounds.

“The Book vs. The Kindle, Round 2: Buying a Book.”

“The Book vs. The Kindle, Round 3: Sharing"

“The Book vs. The Kindle, Round 4: Nap Time"

“The Book vs. The Kindle, Round 5: The Icebreaker"

Enjoy!

Saying It

When was the last time you said, “I love you.” to your child or a loved one?

The other day when I was walking into a kitchen gadget boutique, I immediately took in the layout of the store. I saw pots, napkins, pepper mills, fancy spoons, and no customers. It was eerily quiet. I directed my attention to a cookbook when I heard, “I love you grandma.” Looking in the direction of what I heard, I saw a five-year old child gazing face-to-face at her grandmother. They were behind the counter ready to wait on the next customer. Within an instant, the reply from grandmother to child was returned, “I love you, too, sweetheart.”

The next time the opportunity presents itself, let someone you love know how you feel by saying it, “I love you.”

A Peace of Brooklyn

The exact same night the Gates, Crowely, and Obama kerfuffle was resolved over a few beers, my wife and I attended a quintessential Brooklyn event in Asher Levy Park in Coney Island. After a half-hour ride due south on the F Train and employing squatters’ rights with fold-up lawn chairs slung over my shoulder, we chose a park plot facing due west. Even though the sun was directly in our eyes, we knew it would be only minutes before a 20-story apartment building would provide shadow creep over our camp. Rummaging through our BHMS sack for our picnic dinner, we quickly chomped on a leftover spare rib, avocado salad, and stuffed mushrooms.

As the park filled, you could repeatedly hear “ ‘scuse me, sorry, ‘scuse me . . .” as the 20,000 spectators slowly made their way to their own turf. Listening to Brooklyn Borough President Marty Markowitz on stage chatter about politicos as they entered their select seats, I could not help but notice people of many races, beer-bellied shirtless men, kids texting cellphones, three-generation families reminiscing, candidates handing out leaflets, people with walkers, and an air of community spirit. One passerby was a 60-year old man with his 92-year old father who engaged us in conversation, saying how since his brother passed away four months ago and his mother’s recent death left his father alone, he makes it a point of driving in from Pasaic twice a week to take his father to the Park.

After crowd scanning and reading a chapter from my book, we settled in under a cloudless sky and beautiful half-moon with a perfect 75-degree temperature to listen and watch Jersey boy Frankie Valli demonstrate why he was one of the all-time best selling rock stars. He had the crowd singing, waving their hands, and bobbing heads. What I loved about the performance was the fact that he introduced new, young talent and gave them a piece of the stage—not too much—to develop their own careers.

While nestled among enough people to fill a small town, we enjoyed a wonderful performance, and at the same time, the President and friends were in the process of trying to correct poor behavior and miscommunication in front of the world. Ironically, when I checked my email the next morning, I clicked on one message that had a link to reporter Jehmu Greene’s article “Everything Professor Gates and Sergeant Crowley Needed to Know, I Learned at a Montessori School.” It’s an excellent article see what you think and let me know.

13

If you want to get to know a 13-year old, then grab a copy of James Howe’s book 13: Thirteen stories that capture the agony and ecstasy of being thirteen. This is must-reading for parents and teachers of 12-year old kids!

You would think that switching from authoring Bunnicula to 13 would be a leap, but Howe does a marvelous job editing this compilation of short stories, giving the reader insights into what a 13-year old goes through. Each author of the 13 stories gives his/her own take on the age, and at the end of each story, there is a comment from the author about the story and the age. Short bios and snap shots of the authors when they were 13 are neatly tucked in at the end of each story.

As an example, here is what Stephen Roos author of the short story “Picky Eater” has to say about the age in his comment, “For me, thirteen was exhilarating, bewildering, scary, and wildly inconclusive. It seemed just plain wrong to give Woody [main character in the story] an awareness of what it all meant when I spent that year growing more and more clueless. All I can say is I wouldn’t have missed it for the world, but once was enough. I sincerely doubt many people could survive it twice.”

ASCD SmartBrief

The Association for Supervision and Curriculum Development (ASCD) hosts a great service that aggregates (compiles) the day's leading stories in education. When you (educators & parents) subscribe to the ASCD SmartBrief service, you will receive a daily email with headlines and quick links to the full story. Tabs including "Eye on Curriculum," "Professional Leadership," "Technology Solutions," and "Policy Watch" draw from leading publications like Education Week, Washington Post, and NYTimes.

5/12/08

Friendship

Playdates are times when kids can get to know one another outside of the school classroom. This is when friendships can blossom much like the special friendship between two fifth graders, Jess and Leslie, in Katherine Patersons' 1978 Newbery-winning Bridge to Terabithia. It is one of my all-time favorite young adult books.

Friendship is beautifully described in a poem I recently discovered.

The Miracle of Friendship

by Anonymous

There is a Miracle called Friendship

that dwells within the heart

and you don't know how it happens

or when it even starts.

But the happiness it brings you

always gives a special lift

and you realize that

Friendship

is God's most precious gift.

A Principal Principle

My office is located close to the school lobby, and the other morning I was sitting at my desk working when an air conditioner repairman wheeled a dolly loaded with equipment and tools to my door. Catching my attention, he asked, “Is Bill around?” Bill is our facilities manager.

I said, “Let me call him for you.”

After making the connection I told the thirty-something-year old repairman that Bill would be here in a minute. Not skipping a beat he asked, “Are you the principal?” I smiled and said, “Yes.” Whereupon he asked, “Why are you happy and smiling?” I instantly said, “Where can you find a work place where you are surrounded by children, caring teachers, and a warm environment?” His response, colored with a bit of incredulity, was, “That’s not what I remember. The principals I knew always wanted to beat the crap out of you.”

I laughed and said, “That’s not my style. I get my energy from kids.” A bit mystified, he guided his dolly back to the lobby to wait for Bill.

If his characterization of what school was like for him was half accurate, how sad for him to have to carry that principle around for so long.

Beyond Bullying

When you are raising and teaching children, it is hard to escape having to deal with bullying. Whether it is your own child or student, you often search for answers through emotion and anger. Such was the case for me a number of years ago when I wrote Grown-Ups Call it Harassment, and, yet, it wasn't until several years later when I read Deirdre Dolan's article "How to Be Popular" in the April 8, 2001 "NYTimes Sunday Magazine" that I understood that middle school students do have a sense of right and wrong, especially when it comes to making choices between caring for another student . . . even if it is not popular. I had the good fortune to connect with Deirdre to have her speak to the middle school students at BHMS.

4/28/08

Heuristic

I was struck when I first read the word “heuristic” for three reasons: one, I never heard it before; two, I added a new word among my growing – and it is always growing – vocabulary; and I loved the definition as soon as I looked it up.

"Enabling a person to discover or learn something for her/himself."

Unlike heuristic, which has been in dictionaries since the 1800s, more recent cultural changes spawn words like “hoodie,” “internet,” “rap,” “takeaway,” “anime,” “blading,” “e-mailing,” “ginormous,” “losingest,” “spam,” “taggin,” and “worrywort.” New words find their way into our conversations, media, and personal lexicons daily.

Until a word can be formed, accepted, and adopted, "whatsits," "thingamajig," "you know what I mean" have to do. A while back I heard the word “takeaway” somewhere; I instantly knew what the person was trying to convey; and now it seems like the word's presence is universal. It is the title of a radio talk show, "The Takeaway."

All of this self-discovery led me to buy the book A Century of New Words. I found it fascinating to read about how inventions and cultural shifts cause our language to morph into what we need to communicate with one another. I guess the exploration was a heuristic moment for me.

Here are three links that look at dozens of new words:

#1

#2

#3

Sara Lawrence-Lightfoot - The Third Chapter

My favorite SLL book is I’ve Known Rivers: Lives of Loss and Liberation. Her detailed account of the lives of six people touched me in a way that has made me remember the book over the past 15 years, since I first read it.

The Third Chapter, her most recent book, looks at people between the ages of 50 and 75 and the multiple transitions that they experience throughout that 25-year period. There are several notable concepts that make it worth reading the book . . . whether you are of the age or your parents are of the age.

• The idea of "looking back and giving forward" is a way of looking at how boomers can reflect on their past and leverage it to give to future generations.

• Burnout is not about working too hard. It's about boredom.

• Choices can be made between generativity or stagnation.

• It can be hard to leave those roles that give us status.

Here you can see a 30-minute interview with Bill Moyers, where SLL talks about her book. I wonder how many agree with her statement "We are about a youth-obsessed culture."

A friend I respect for his ability to look back and give forward is David Mallery. I have known David for many years, and not only does he have SLL speak at his seminars, David is in his “fourth chapter” and continues to give inspiration to all with wisdom and models of professional development. Thank you, David.

Separation

The scream I heard while sitting at my desk caused my skin to crawl. I knew who it was, but I did not know why I heard the desperate, shrilling call. It was the morning after holiday break when all of our preschoolers were finding their way back to the once familiar classrooms they inhabited two weeks ago.

I soon heard the scream again but louder, much louder. There was a demanding tone that announced, “I don’t want to be here. I want to be with you. Don’t leave me. Take me with you.” Ah, now I understood, it was a five-year old struggling with separation anxiety. As I stared at my door and the hall where the cries came from, I instantly fell into a reverie that pulled me back to the time my mother brought me to Kindergarten on the first day of school. I did not want to be there . . . at all.

The next image that surfaced in my mind was me sitting in the back seat of my neighbor’s woody and my mother sitting in the passenger’s seat looking forward, mad — and I suppose embarrassed — and I am thinking, I feel safe now, but what’s going to happen when I get home?

While demonstrating my separation anxiety in the classroom, I became so distraught and adamant about not wanting to be there. I distinctly remember biting my mother on the leg, and the principal saying to my mother, “Mrs. Peters, you will have to take your son home.” As a child of loving parents and many days in nursery school, I have no idea why that happened back then.

Fortunately, my friend down the hall was comforted by her mother and she adjusted to her once-familiar surroundings; mother slinked away; and normalcy returned to the child, my skin, and getting back to my work . . . away from long-ago images. Obviously shaken by the whole ordeal, the child’s mother scurried past my door, but not before I could catch her and tell her the story of my own five-year old anxiety. Relieved, she said, “And I guess you turned out OK. Thanks for the reassurance.”

Who knows what causes children — and adults for that matter — to feel adrift, needing a lifeline at a particular moment in life. In this case, the mother did the right thing, using the guidance of the teacher, staying strong, and letting familiarity and caring teachers take over.

In Context

Helping a child understand the use and importance of contextual clues when reading has always been a fascination of mine. Knowing whether the word “wind” refers to what you do to a watch (old-fashioned, that is) or what keeps a kite aloft on a blustery spring day can only be understood by looking at the words around “wind.” For this concept of context a lesson presented itself when I least expected it . . .

. . . my office is situated on a hall that leads the two-year olds to the rooftop play area. Each day in the fall while I am at my desk, I wave to them as they sheepishly walk past, heads focused straight ahead, never venturing the thought of exchanging a wave. By December, one or two walk by, look in and timidly lift a hand in an attempt to acknowledge my flapping gestures.

Well, by February, the teachers cannot move them past my office because they all have to stop, wave vigorously, and say “Hi Dane.”

One day in the spring I was standing outside of my office and the twos were making their way back from their daily venture to the rooftop. I was excited; now I could be close by and exchange a happy hello instead of the behind-the-desk wave. Hovering close to the hall wall, anticipating my office, three children prepared themselves to crane their necks around the door jamb to offer their daily greeting when they looked up at me and quickly shied away as if to say, “Hey, who are you and what are doing here?” They wanted nothing to do with me. Then it dawned on me that I was out of context. I immediately said, “Oh. Wait a minute. I’ll fix this.” I ran to my desk and began waving. Without a hitch, their faces beamed, hands started flapping and the “Hi Danes” took over as if I were always there.

By the way, it isn’t only children that need contextual clues. Last weekend, my wife and I were at the green grocer and a parent gave a hearty “Hello Dane.” I smiled and wondered who that was. A minute later, when it was too late, I realized that it was a parent . . . but without his child and not walking through the front door of the school. Like the twos, I, too, needed contextual clues.

Children Concentrating

Children need ample time to create, think, and work. Compressing a child’s work time to fit our busy schedules can be frustrating for the child and ultimately counterproductive.

A while ago, I sat in amazement as I watched two-year olds “perform” during an admission intake for our Twos Program. Essentially, six children are set free in the classroom and encouraged by their parents or a teacher to engage in an activity. A book, a ball, a bunny, a sink, or a marker can catch their fancy.

On this special morning, I had the occasion to watch Kari do her thing. With much concentration and determination she was engrossed in an individual activity. A basket with four-inch round head screws and a six-inch tall jar that is used for sprinkling parmesan cheese is all this child – mind you, a two-year old child - needed for her half-hour activity. Once the teacher demonstrated how you place a screw in the hole, the child was off and running.

Maybe it is the feeling of accomplishment, or maybe it is the sound the threads the screw makes when it is inserted into the hole of the metal cap. Whatever it is, children need time to explore, create, and discover their world. Dr. Montessori stressed the uninterrupted work cycle so that children can become engaged in the work – engaged in a way that allows them to concentrate and discover at their own pace.

Weighty Words

The last time I read to our middle school students, I first wanted to have an exchange with them on new words and how they make it into their lexicon. I asked them to tell me some of the newest words that they have heard and with some hesitation one student said, “hoodie,” then another said, “rap [music].” I replied, “That’s the idea.”

I then read from the book A Century of New Words that describes the evolution of words decade by decade throughout the 20th Century. For example, the advent of aviation spawned hundreds of words that never existed before the Wright brothers made their amazing discovery.

Finally, I read from a book that I presented to each graduate at graduation. The Weighty Word Book by Levitt, Burger, and Guralnick presents an alphabet of SAT-type words with a unique story attached to each to help the reader remember its meaning. From among “coruscate,” “ingratiate,” “ubiquitous,” and others, I chose to read the story for “quixotic.”  

My hope is that the next time they hear the word "quixotic," they will remember its definition along with the other words that are defined through a story.

Random Acts of Love

As I stand at the school doors each day, welcoming children — including younger not-yet-ready-for–school siblings — parents, teachers, dogs, staff, bus matrons, and others, I see so much that is taking place in the street and on the sidewalk. Passersby making their way to the subway, pedestrians walking to their jobs, honking horns, buses and parents in cars dropping off children, loud street sweepers, squeeling sanitation truck brakes, and fancy cars with jacked music all pass in front of me.

From about 50 yards away, I try to get a bead on people who I know will be entering the school — you know, those who turn at the corner or those walking the long stretch of sidewalk from the F Train station that is beyond my sight. Seeing folks before they reach the doors gives me a chance to access names for a friendly good morning greeting.

Some people arrive in strollers, on bicycles, scooters, or skateboards, buses, and cars. All it takes is one parent trying to phenagle a stroller through the front doors or a child who insists on riding his bike up to the school, through the doors, and into the stroller room to cause a traffic jam that backs everybody up in front inviting conversation and warm exchanges.

The other morning, I noticed three-year old Sam with his mother and father approaching the school. I could tell that Dad was about to break away to make his way to work, and as he leaned over to give Sam a kiss, Sam exclaimed, “Family hug. Come on, family hug.” Whereupon, Sam lifted his arms, and Mom and Dad encircled their arms so that they could experience a family hug. Upon releasing each other, Sam grabbed his mother’s hand, Dad turned to walk away, and Sam and Mom walked to the doors. I said to Mom as she approached to walk through the doors, “Love the family hugs! Could you see me after you drop Sam off in his classroom?”

When she returned, I let her know how much I enjoyed their family hug and how it reminded me of what my wife and I would do for our sons as they were growing up. We would hold “Son Appreciation Days” when they were in grade school and high school. We didn’t do it often, but randomly my wife and I would conspire to buy a present for each; prepare one of their favorite meals; and hang a “Son Appreciation Day Banner” by the dinner table. When they came home from school, we would say “Surprise,” and gather for dinner. There was always a part reserved for letting them know how much we appreciated how hard they work and how much we loved them. After dessert we opened presents and went on to our usual evening routines.

I believe it is those random acts of love that are the most meaningful in our lives.

If you have experienced a special RAL, share it in a comment to this post.

Stand by Me Around the World

Take five minutes to click on this beautiful video that is the best rendition of the song "Stand by Me."  Playing For Change: Song Around the World "Stand By Me"   

In case you want to listen to the original version by Ben E. King, click on this YouTube link.  You will also catch a few scenes from the popular 1986 movie.

The Almost 7th Grader

If you are not in the classroom with them on a daily basis and really want to get to know what makes eleven- and twelve-year olds tick, then spend three days and two nights with them on a field trip. That’s what I did last week. Two teachers and I took our spring 6th graders to Cape May, New Jersey for their annual year-end trip. I first noticed their unique characteristics as we traveled on the bus — oh so loud, but interspersed with dead silence once iPods kicked in. I love to see two students sharing one headset — one ear bud each — plugged into one iPod, rocking their bodies from side to side in sync with whatever tune they are listening to.

Upon arrival, they all squeal from the bus in a burst of energy; they can’t wait to find out room assignments (you don’t share these with them until the very last minute) and get to their rooms. I love watching the boys unpack. It’s pretty simple. They unzip their bags and the contents explode onto the floor . . . where it stays for the remainder of the trip.

This is the age where boys and girls are figuring out how to break away from their parents and who they are going to be when they grow up; also, they kind of tolerate each other, sometimes talking with one another but usually roaming in packs of the same sex. There are usually one or two girls and one or two boys who cross boundaries and socialize with one another, but for the most part, they abide by a code that says you stick to your gender, we’ll stick to ours. Yet, yet, when it comes to gift shops, boys and girls love to shop and kibitz, looking for gifts to bring home to sibs and parents.

Often I found that the boys run and play while the girls talk, talk, and talk. There are those girls who do run with the boys and those boys who will sit and talk with the girls. It’s all plutonic with each gender trying to figure out the other because their gender-alike peers are asking questions prompted by “American Idol,” “Twilight,” and gobs of media.

How they love to eat. Girl or boy, vast amounts of food are consumed at one sitting . . . if they like the food. Make-your-own tacos, then watch out. Chicken chow mien, then lots of leftovers. Before the evening DVD, “Wall-E,” and donned in jammies, we treated ourselves to homemade sundaes. The dining hall had a conspicuously large tub of peanut butter on the counter, and I mentioned that I love a dollop of peanut butter on my ice cream. Well, you would have thought it was the neatest, coolest idea, eating “raw” peanut butter. I know I’ll have to deny charges of this instigation to parents when we return to school.

We spent hours on the beach exploring shells, dead seaweed, Cape May diamonds, birds that aren’t pigeons, and marine vegetation. There is a common characteristic with the almost 7th grader — girl or boy — an unquenchable interest in nature and what is going on in the world around them. Soon, this will turn around and our fully consumed adolescent will be engulfed in themselves and the idea that the world is only viewing them. So, enjoying their minimal mood swings is a big plus.

Heading home, inevitably, a majority of girls and boys start singing in unison a popular song. Turning my head (I always sit in the front of the bus. They need their bus-riding privacy . . . and I guess I need mine.), I love to see their smiling faces as they sing, sharing a common appreciation that makes them more like sisters and brothers than like classmates.

Famous Graduation Speech

With graduations upon us, I am remembering "Wear Sunscreen."  If you have not been introduced to it, read below.

Written by Mary Schmich and published in the Chicago Tribune in 1997, "Wear Sunscreen" is urban legend for graduation speeches, and Baz Luhrmann produced a song "Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen)."  Listen to the Takeaway's  "Pomp In These Circumstances: 'Wear Sunscreen' and Other Advice for Grads,"  John Hockenberry's interview with Mary Schmich on her graduation advice is excellent. 

Life Cycles

The other day I was talking with a school parent and his mother in the school lobby at drop-off, and our conversation included the joy of grandparenting, what it means to raise your own children, and watch their children grow up.  

The parent said, "Raising Children reminds me of the book, The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein" to which I replied, "I certainly know Silverstein's writing but I haven't heard of that book." 

 The next day, the parent dropped off a copy of the book and I immediately read it.  Whew!  Beautiful.  Instantly I knew what the grandmother was saying the day before.  As I read the Giving Tree, I thought of another book, Love You Forever by Robert Munsch.  

Listen to The Giving Tree and Love You Forever, and if you haven't read either story, I think you will get a vivid understanding of  life cycles.

Outta Context

It was Saturday and I had to pick up tea and frozen breaded eggplant at the local Trader Joe’s store. I was by myself when I entered the store, looking to see if there was a long line at the register. I immediately noticed a five-year old child with a shopping cart between him and me. His hands were curled over the push bar that just covered his eyes. Almost bumping into his carriage, I pretended I was surprised and said, “Hi, Charlie.”

His startled response was “Dane, what are you doing here?”

I said, “I have some shopping to do.”

With a quizzical look, he stated, “But you’re not supposed to be here.”

Charlie’s mother and I looked at each other, smiled, and immediately knew that I was out of context for Charlie’s world.

At a minimum, Charlie and I see each other when he enters the school door each day and as head of school, I welcome him and his classmates. They say "Hi." and that works perfectly for them . . . when I am in school.

Do you have any anecdotes about children seeing events out of context?

Poem in Your Pocket

At a recent first through eighth grade morning assembly, the theme was Poem in Your Pocket. Students brought a poem in their pocket to share with teachers and students. 

To begin the assembly, students were asked "Why do you like poetry?"

Here are some of their responses:
• They express feelings.
• Some poems speak to you; they move you.
• Poems are like little stories.
• They are calming.
• They make you feel different.
• They help you focus.
• They make you laugh, or they make you sad.
• Students said they like poems about animals, nature, and peace.
• Poems that rhyme and ones that are fun and silly are best.

Then students were asked if they had a favorite poem they would like to share with the group. Some students walked to the front of the assembly and recited from memory, some chose to read sitting down in place, while others stood at the front of the room and read with feeling. One student stood in place, reached into her pocket, carefully unfolded a piece of paper, and read her poem. It was one of my favorites. See what you think.

The Key of the Kingdom
This is the key of the Kingdom:
In that Kingdom is a city;
In that city is a town;
In that town is a street;
In that street there winds a lane;
In that lane there is a yard;
In that yard there is a house;
In that house there waits a room;
In that room an empty bed,
And on that bed a basket -
A basket of sweet flowers
Of flowers, of flowers;
A basket of sweet flowers.

Flowers in a basket;
Basket on the bed;
Bed in the room;
Room in the house;
House in the yard;
Yard in the winding lane;
Lane in the street;
Street in the town;
Town in the city;
City in the Kingdom -
This is the key of the Kingdom.
Of the Kingdom this is the key.

(Anonymous)

The Oxford Treasury of Children's Poems (Oxford University Press, 1988)

Child Creativity

When I was in the 2-year olds' classroom the other day, I noticed the easel at which the children paint beautiful paintings. Instantly, a memorable tune slid into my mind. Flowers are Red by Harry Chapin is a prophetic song that gives careful advice to teachers and parents on how to nurture - not stifle - creativity in children.

Sir Ken Robinson's TED (Technology, Entertainment, Design) Talk "Do Schools Kill Creativity?" is also an excellent lesson on how careful we have to be when it comes to providing a supportive environment for right-brained thinkers to express their creativity. This clip is entertaining as well as enlightening.

Play v. Work . . . both can be enjoyable

When I read Peggy Orenstein's article "Kindergrten Cram" about homework for five-year olds and looked at the amount of time schools are devoting to academic work and free play, I was taken aback.  Note the diagram to the right, which was presented as part of her article.

In my own life and in the life of children in a Montessori setting, I see work and play as one in the same.  Children are forever learning through discovery.  If you have ever witnessed a Montessori preschool class which is made up of 3-, 4-, and 5-year olds, you would see children engaged in their work . . . as if they were at play, creating, chatting, and moving about busily constructing words and sentences, or manipulating numbers, or learning practical life skills, or . . .  Often I walk into a classroom and I think, isn't this wonderful, children busily engaged in their work that they are enjoying.

Confident Children With a Realistic Sense of Self

Participating in the many admission interviews throughout the month of January, I am not surprised by the number of prospective families that comment on how invested, calm, and reassured our teachers are with the children. My response is often quick and passionate: "It is due to our Montessori heritage and philosophy, our school’s mission, and our families’ commitment to their children and to this kind of education."  These all feed on each other and make for an environment that fosters and nurtures confident, self-assured children.

Our parents who truly believe in a Montessori education tend to be confident in knowing what they want for their children’s education. At the same time, I want our parents to have the comfort and ability to examine their choice, so I find myself letting parents know how important it is for them to feel welcomed at school. The activity and chatter that go on in the lobby during drop-off and pick-up offer a forum for parents and teachers to compare notes and establish long-lasting friendships for their children and themselves. I often see parents who demonstrate their trust and confidence in BHMS by letting go of their children when it is time for them to transition to the next plane of development. The importance of this letting-go cannot be overstated. In an article in Psychology Today, “A Nation of Wimps” author Hara Estroff Marano states that Harvard psychologist Jerome Kagan has shown unequivocally that what creates anxious children is parents hovering and protecting them from stressful experiences.

Along the way, children have to be allowed to stand on their own, taking small steps to meet and understand their immediate world and, sometimes, failure. I believe that these are the steps that help them to achieve a realistic sense of self. In a nurturing home and in a supportive school, children can take chances — sometimes succeeding and sometimes failing, unconsciously measuring what they can accomplish and what they cannot. A constant barrage from parents, teachers, and coaches of “you’re the best,” or “that wasn’t your fault,” or “they weren’t fair” only confuse and give the child false hope. The Montessori environment is designed to provide enough structure within which the child can explore and discover on her/his own, reflecting when things get challenging or confusing, moving forward when they are easy, and asking the teacher for help when uncertain which path to take.

It is always about the child developing at her/his pace — sometimes slower and sometimes faster than the next child. Children thrive in an environment that allows them to measure their progress against themselves rather than against other children. Our teachers are sensitive to this aspect of a child’s development and growth.

Years of this kind of education in a positive environment produce children who move on to the next level — and eventually on to secondary school and college — confident with a realistic sense of self.